Words of Assertiveness

what language can we use to communicate assertively?

HIYA Reader,

Assertiveness is the ability to express ourselves (thoughts, opinions, needs, emotions, etc.) without violating the rights of others. 

Our aim in this wee blog piece is to understand the words of assertiveness. There are specific ways of speaking that build up or detract from the strength of our communication. Let me share an example;

Sorry to bug you, I was just thinking about our upcoming workshop, and I think it might be smart to send out an update to all of the participants. I don’t know if this makes sense, but I was just wondering if we should tell them about our social distancing guidelines. Should we? I could email them if you want? 

Rightio, you can feel the tentativeness and timidity in that communication. Hear the words; ‘sorry’, ‘just thinking’, ‘might’, ‘I don’t know’, ‘just wondering’, ‘should we’ & ‘could’. If we imagine ourselves in the shoes of that person (I have been there!) we can sense the nervousness and uncertainty in this approach. 

Now, let’s change up the wording slightly …

I was preparing for our upcoming workshop and I believe we should send out an update to all of our participants to tell them about our social distancing guidelines. What are your thoughts? I can send out the email. 

As you can see, this version is clearer and more direct. You can hear the balance of initiative and cooperation, this person is able to express their ideas while also asking the opinion of their colleague. Being assertive does not mean that our needs are the sole priority - it means that we are able to express our opinions while being open to the needs of others.

Words of Assertiveness.jpg


KEY STRATEGIES

Let’s tease out some key strategies and word choices for assertive communication.

  1. Use ‘I’ statements, such as ‘I will’, ‘ I believe’, ‘I want’, ‘I need’ and ‘I like’.

  2. Avoid undermining your message, with words such as ‘just’, ‘sorry’, ‘guess’ or clauses such as ‘I could be wrong’, this might be crazy’, ‘I don’t know’.

  3. Use Co-operative Phrases, such as ‘what are your thoughts …?’ & ‘how does this fit in with your ideas?’

  4. Avoid Modals, such as ‘might’, ‘could’ & ‘would’. 

  5. Be Concise, don’t ramble or beat around the bush - be direct and clear when you communicate.

FRAMEWORK

I have also found the following framework helps me shape assertive sentences:

I feel [emotion] ______ when _____________________ because ___________________. What I need is ___________________________________________________.

Example 1:

  • Effective Communication

    • I feel anxious when you go crazy improv during our workshops because I am very time-oriented and specific with content. What I need is for you to rein in those improv times and focus them on the topic.

  • Ineffective Communication

    • STOP GOING OFF ON THESE LONG IMPROV RANTS!

Example 2:

  • Effective Communication

    • I feel excited when we head out to the hills for a walk because it means we are in the fresh air! What I need is more opportunities like this so that I don’t get into a low mindset.

  • Ineffective Communication

    • I hate being here in the apartment all the time.

Excellent, our toolkit has expanded. I know that it is not easy to observe our own words as we speak, but I urge you to build your awareness. With that understanding, we can adjust our sails and tweak our words, leaning into more assertive communication.

Happy wordsmithing! 

Helping Young Professionals & Postgraduate Students Improve