Why am I learning about Emotional Intelligence?
I flipped out. I flipped out completely. It wasn’t anything big that triggered me … I just couldn’t control my rage. I yelled - spit was flying pretty much everywhere. It was a bad day. I was having a bad day and that made it worse. Way worse! They were crying. I was fuming. I left.
It all started a couple of months ago. I was already overworked, and yet, when my boss asked me to take on another report, I agreed. Stupid decision. I didn’t know … still don’t know how to turn her down, but I should have tried. I was on the edge already and my work / life balance was always over the next horizon. Anyways, I plugged away, working like a plow horse at harvest … it wasn’t enough. I was tense and tight all over - producing poor quality work. When it came to presenting my report, I had the biggest breakdown I have ever had … nothing was prepared how I wanted it. The worst thing was that I learned the deadline could have been moved back two weeks and none of the management would have cared - I didn’t think to ask and I didn’t tell my boss how out of sorts I was! I had this mask of invincibility on - it shattered. Big time.
Anyways, I left work that day and you know the rest. It wasn’t good - not at all. I need help. I think I am burning out. Maybe, I have actually burnt out already. I have definitely passed any sort of control. I am all over the place. I need a break.
Hi Reader,
This excerpt shows the ‘me’ I don’t want to be. A version of me in the passenger seat of life; unaware of myself, burning out, weakening relationships, producing poor quality work, unassertive, and out of control. A shadow of what is possible.
I want to be the best version of me I can be (still a ways to go!). I want to be in the driver’s seat of life. I want to choose how I show up.*
So, why Emotional Intelligence (EI)? Being intelligent with my emotions helps me be the best I can be. It gives me the information I need to navigate the roads of life. It helps me choose how I show up.
In this article, you will find four subsections of why I am leaning into Emotional Intelligence:
Choosing My Response
Navigating Life (Managing Self)
Building Strong Relationships
A Life of Colour and Vibrancy
Choosing my Response
Let’s begin by understanding the power of choice through the lens of Viktor Frankl, a holocaust survivor and existential psychologist.* As you can see in the model, we have stimulus on one side and response on the other, with a space in the middle. It is this space that is crucial!! This space is our opportunity to choose how we respond. It is our ability to pause, resist an automatic reaction, which lets us be intentional about how we show up. It lets us decline another scoop of ice scream, speak up to denounce a racial slur, or rein in an angry outburst.
Knowing our emotions is a conduit to mastering this ability to choose our response. Allow me to demonstrate through an example; I am currently feeling frustrated because I cannot succinctly articulate my thoughts to you in this article … I could let that emotion take control and act without thought - giving up this blog or smashing my laptop. Instead, I recognise my impulse to give up and choose to persevere. Knowing my emotions makes it so much easier for me to decide how I want to respond. Once I am aware, I can act on that knowledge - I can be intelligent with my emotions. I can choose how I show up.
Navigating Life (Managing Self)
When driving a car, we need information to navigate; road signs, speed limits, lanes, etc. I see life in the same way, we need data to navigate through the peaks and valleys. Emotions provide me with that information; giving me signs if I am on the right track, letting me know if I am going at the right speed, and helping me recognise my needs.
Permit me to expand on how EI helps me navigate life with examples:
Am I on the right track?
I am running my own consultancy and I am thrilled! Of course, there are numerous aspects of being a founder that are difficult and anxiety inducing, but the overarching vision makes those times worth it. I am committed, interested, excited, driven, and passionate about Team Improvus. I love the variety and the autonomy that I have! I am superbly thankful that I am not pigeonholed in a corporate job - yippee! Reader, can you see the emotional signs? My emotions are indicating that I am on the right track. Knowing myself helps keep me pointed in the right direction, giving me information on the choices I make.
Am I going at the right speed?
Yes, but if I had asked myself that question six months ago, the answer would be a big no! I was trying to do too much and feeling pressure from several angles; founding the consultancy, four freelance roles, helping my grandmother, and travelling up and down between London and Glasgow. I was agitated and stressed, had tense shoulders and unable to get into an exercise routine, which all contributed to poor sleep quality. I was going a bit too fast. Thankfully, I read the data and have since slowed it down to a more manageable pace.
How do emotions help me know my needs?
Here is an example; for one of my freelance roles, I had two leaders with different ways of giving instructions. One was very clear with my allotted hours, the other was not. The two approaches led to conflict between the leaders because they asked different things from me but under the same budget. I was in the middle of their tension, which caused me apprehension and unease. I was aware of my emotions and was not enjoying the experience, which prompted me to ask for clarification of my role … together we were able to craft a solution. Knowing my emotions helped me recognize what I needed in that situation and continues to reveal so much about my inner doings.
A final point on managing self; if I want to be the best version of myself, I need to be aware of myself. No illusions or half truths, but accurate in who I am. I want to know my starting point in order to improve, and grow my confidence. I want to be aware of my emotions so I can choose how to show up. I want to know my needs and motivations so that I can navigate the peaks and valleys of life. I want to be aware of myself so that I can be the best version of me I can be.
Building Strong Relationships
I want to show up in my relationships, playing my part in building strong and trusting connections. Three aspects of emotional intelligence help me do that; empathy, confidence and assertiveness.
Empathy is our ability to connect to the emotions of others, recognizing what they are feeling so that we can respond accordingly. I am still working on this skill … I don’t always get it right, but I stay open, I listen and I ask. It is through this practice of empathy that we come to understand another person’s perspective, seeing a window into their uniqueness. All of this helps me understand the other person’s needs so that I can meet them in their space and serve them accordingly!
Confidence in ourselves empowers us to focus on others. Have you ever been in a situation where you are worried about what you are going to say next? I remember times where I have been chasing thoughts in my mind to such an extent that I completely lose track of the people I am with. We need to listen, be present and attentive in order to connect. Emotional intelligence helps me grow my personal confidence. As mentioned above, it gives me a clear picture of myself; illuminating my strengths, as well as highlighting the ways I can improve, which provides me with a foundation of self-knowledge and confidence.
In every relationship, there will be differing needs of some degree. Assertiveness is our ability to balance our needs with the needs of others. We don’t want to always be passive and prioritise the other person, nor do we want to be aggressive and only cater to our needs. We are aiming for mixed needs. Emotional intelligence helps us clarify our needs so that we can come to relationships aware of ourselves; neither resenting the other for taking advantage of us, nor pushing them away with our demands. Emotional intelligence helps me walk the line of assertiveness and compromise.
A Life of Colour and Vibrancy
Watch this video :)
I wanted to share a final reason why I am leaning into emotional intelligence and this clip displays it all in the line; ‘what he does receive are emotions’.
My life would be so dull and grey without emotions! When I think back on my memories, it is emotions, rich in vibrancy and colour, that jump out at me. Of course, I have peaks and valleys of happiness and sadness, surprise, awe, fear, anxiety, and so on, but that is life! Emotions give me a richness of colour, texture and vibrancy.
Well done for making it all the way down here!
Bringing it all together, I am leaning into Emotional Intelligence so that I can be in the driver’s seat of life, choose how I show up, and be the best I can be!
Further Resources
Academic Articles
Mayer and Salovey (2016) The Ability Model of Emotional Intelligence: Principles and Updates
Wishing you sweet joy and enthusiasm!
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