Emotional Agility
Emotional Agility is the ability to work with our emotions.
We all have emotions, whether we like it or not. The question is what do we do with our emotions? Do we ignore them? Do we listen to them? Obey them? Do we dominate them?
My aim - I am still learning - is to work with my emotions so that I can lead a joyous and delightful life. This skill, popularised by Dr Susan David in her 2016 book of the same title, is called emotional agility.
For those of you tight for time, here are the spark notes of the article:
What? Emotional Agility is the ability to stop ourselves from automatically reacting to our emotions and instead, intentionally choosing how we respond to them. It is our ability to be on the same team as our emotions and work with them.
Why? It gives us the power to show up in our lives. It helps us perform under pressure, lean into our courage, avoid procrastination, step out of our comfort zone, and stay motivated.
How? APEX Tool | The Power of Pause | We are not our emotions - Exercise
What is Emotional Agility?
Emotional Agility is the ability to stop ourselves from automatically reacting to our emotions and instead, actively choosing how we respond to them (Frankl, 1959).
Let’s look at a comparison between emotional rigidity and emotional agility to deepen our understanding.
Emotional Rigidity
I am always reacting to the pressures of the world around me - chasing my days!
I get stuck - I am not able to dig myself out of a hole (despair, frustration, boredom).
I am letting life pass me by, stagnant in my job and scared to step up.
My emotions make me uneasy.
Emotional Agility
I decide how I show up.
I am able to shift my emotional state so that I can continue stepping forward in my life.
I choose courage; I step out of my comfort zone, have that difficult conversation, develop a new skill.
I lean into my emotions and try to figure out what they are telling me.
As you can see, when we are emotionally rigid, our emotions rule us; we react, get stuck, are too scared to act, and don’t have a clue what our emotions are trying to tell us.
Emotional agility, on the other hand, is working with our emotions. It is recognising that our emotions are a part of us, but not in control of us. They are data points, which tell us what is important in our lives, but we have the final say on how we use that emotional information - choosing how we respond.
Picture yourself driving a car.
On the dashboard, there are a range of different gauges; the fuel levels, the temperature gauge, speedometer, rev counter, check engine, and so on. All of these gauges inform our decisions, but we retain control of the driving.
This is the way I see emotional agility; our emotions are the gauges and indicators on the dashboard that give us useful information to make our decisions. As we go through life, we can leverage our emotions in an intentional and thoughtful manner to help us lead the lives we want to lead.
Why is Emotional Agility important?
Emotional Agility puts us in the driver’s seat of our lives. It means that instead of automatically blowing up in anger, being swept along in panic, or shutting down in despair, we remain coolheaded, calm and determined. This ability links directly to our mental and physical wellbeing, as it means that we can influence our emotional states and shift to a different one.
Emotional Agility gives us the power to show up.
How can we improve our Emotional Agility?
I have a three step process to help us improve our Emotional Agility. This approach is largely influenced by the work of Dr. Susan David on Emotional Agility and it is by no means an exhaustive list. I would love to learn the tools and strategies you use to become more dexterous with emotions.
1. Awareness
The first step to Emotional Agility is becoming aware of our emotion(s). We can’t make any progress if we cannot decipher the morass of feelings within us. Read more about Emotional Awareness here …
2. We are not our Emotions
Righton, once we are aware of our emotion(s), the next step is to recognise that we are not our emotions - they are a part of us, but not in control of us.
For example, look at the difference between
a rigid, all consuming, approach of ‘I am ANGRY’,
an agile, nuanced, approach of ‘I am noticing that I am angry.’
Our language helps us make the distinction between us and our emotions. So, once you become aware of the emotion, use words like, ‘noticing’, ‘feeling’ and ‘observing’ to mark the divide between self and emotion.
This technique prevents us from getting swept away by the feeling. Instead, it reminds us that the emotion is just an emotion (part of us but not directing us), which in turn lets us decide how we respond to it.
3. What the Func?
The next step is to ask what is the function of the emotion?
What is the emotion trying to tell us? What was going on that prompted the feeling?
By exploring this question, it helps us understand the data of our emotions so that we can make informed decisions.
APEX
This tool is mnemonic that builds off of the above process, whilst also giving us a structure to work with in the moment we are looking to be emotionally agile.
A - Awareness: the first step in regulating our emotions is recognising what we are feeling. We can't make any changes if we don't understand our starting point.
P - Pause: Take a moment to pause without immediately reacting.
E - Evaluate: Listen to your emotions - what are they telling you? Dive deeper. What other emotions are you feeling? What options do you have?
X - Execute: Choose your response 🙂 the final step is to be agile with our emotions and selecting our way forward. Dialling down or up an emotional reaction, shifting to a different mindset, or leaning into the emotion if that is the optimal decision.
As I mentioned above, these tools are by no means a definitive list, and I am confident there are more ways to develop our emotional agility and I am eager to hear how you do it.
Heads up, these strategies are not easy to learn. They are going to require a valiant chunk of hard work, grit and sweat to realise - over many a year. So, stick with it, the rewards of having emotional agility in your life will come.
Further Learnings
Ted Talk by Dr. Susan David
Leadership
Emotional Intelligence
Tools: